BS

BS
BS
BS
BS
BS
BS
BS
BS
BS
BS
BS
BS
BS
BS
BS
BS
BS

Stop giving me all this BULLSHIT...

Gone

I remember what you said to me
You were acting so strange
And maybe I was too blind to see
That you needed a change

Are you sure?

I thought you said we were good friends...

Great

It's all a big fucking mess now...

Torn

I'm still tom on what to do. I can give him a chance to come clean and explain himself. But I feel like most likely, it's not going to happen. He's already made do much effort to cover it up. Even though he knows he did something wrong, he may just continue to cover it up.

I feel like the only way to do it is to catch him in the act. But who knows if any of the scenarios I plan in my head will really turn out. L doesn't think I should mess too much with things that were not originally planned. But if I wait 'til the wedding to call him out, it may not be any different from if I did it now. Plus, I still wouldn't be able to show any concrete proof.

I have the money to go. Timing is critical though, and work is in the way a bit. And even if I do catch him, then what? He's going to resent me forever. I really don't want that. Honestly, it's stupid. I hate to admit it, but I feel like he could care less if I fell off the face of the earth. So why does it matter if he gets mad at me. He's the one who started this to begin with. And I'm the only one agonizing over it. It's not fair. I have to keep it all inside when it's his fault.

I hate that I'm so vindictive. I just want him to feel all the pain and heartache I feel. I just don't understand how someone who has been cheated on could do the same thing on someone else. I sometimes wonder if maybe he didn't tell the truth about his ex. But then again, he did cry to J. I dunno. I just don't get it. All I want is to understand his whole way of thinking. Did he just not want to hurt me? Did he not think I'd ever find out? Does he think I'm stupid or naive? Is this just a fling for him? I dunno what to think anymore...

Some People Want It All

But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you...

I Don't Know What to Think Anymore

I thought it wasn't an issue anymore.

I thought you might be turning around.

I thought maybe I can do this.

But now it's back and you're trying to hide it again.

What am I supposed to think?

I'm still torn...

I would do just about anything for you. But like R said, "Do not make someone a priority, when to them you are only an option." Is that all I am? An option? Maybe one of the better ones, but not enough to be a priority...

Missing You

I took that shirt that you thought had sleeves that were too short. I kept it as a way to remind me of you. I slept with it the past two nights, pretending you were next to me...

I talked to C last night. The night you left, I was in the car with W and L and we were stuck in traffic. And I was thinking about how you would probably get us out faster. I miss having you drive. I always feel safe when you're driving. C asked me if I had ever told you that. I said in a way, but probably not in the nicest way.

I keep thinking about everything, and what I'm willing to give up for you. And I'm starting to think that I truly do love you. But I can't bring myself to say it to you...

You're Gone

You're gone now. It still hasn't quite hit me.

I dreamt about you last night. Nothing that I can remember specifically, but it was just normal, you being with me.

I feel like I'm missing something now. I know I am fine, but at the same time, I think about how you always drive us around. I feel lonely when I see other couples. Everything reminds me of you. It could be something small, like being stuck in traffic, thinking how you'd maneuver us out faster. Stupid things. I hope you're thinking of me too. I don't want us to end. Everything you say makes me still have hope. But I dunno if I'm just setting myself up.

I want to go visit you. I want you to want me to come. I want you to call and tell me about how your apt search is going. I want you to miss me and turn around and say you made a mistake. But I dunno. I trust that you still have feelings for me.

I miss you, even though it's only been a day. It could very well just be a regular weekday when I don't see you...

So what now?

What do you do if someone is lying to you?

You know they're lying but maybe there is a reason for it. They may be trying to protect you. But at the same time, it seems that they are just being selfish or cowardly and not owning up to their actions.

I thought you were better than that.

They say actions speak louder than words. So many of your actions should make me stop. But I can't. I'm in too deep.

I'm not saying I'm perfect either, but you did wrong first.

I'm Not Stupid

Oh, this is stupid, I'm not stupid
Don't talk to me like I'm stupid
I still love you but I just can't do this
I may be dumb but I'm not stupid

It's For Real

I thought it wasn't going to happen. I thought he was going to stay. I guess it was really just more of a hope. I thought things had been going well. I dunno anymore. Is it really time to give up? I don't want to. I don't know why he has to have the final say.

My head is starting to throb. I think I've been crying for the last four hours. Sigh...

I'm 32. WTF...

I'm sad, upset, mad, tired.

I dunno if I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I know he's not in an easy situation, but I feel like I'm not getting any kind of consideration. I really want to just go and bang my head on the wall. I'm tired. I want to just sleep so I don't have to think about it anymore. I'm probably not thinking straight anyway. I wish I could just sleep, and when I wake up, it would all go away.

I can't believe I was all worried that I wouldn't be able to do anything for his birthday 'cuz I have to pick up my mom from the airport. Well guess what? He's not even gonna be here. I'm putting him first, but he's putting me second. But what should I have expected? I wish he'd at least want me to go with him to give it a try.

No, this is not my stupid fantasy world. This is real life.