Hidden Thoughts

BS

2010-09-30T14:33:00.001-04:00

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Stop giving me all this BULLSHIT...

Gone

2010-09-28T14:09:00.001-04:00

I remember what you said to me
You were acting so strange
And maybe I was too blind to see
That you needed a change

Are you sure?

2010-09-22T16:36:00.001-04:00

I thought you said we were good friends...

Great

2010-09-22T01:56:00.001-04:00

It's all a big fucking mess now...

Torn

2010-09-16T01:32:00.002-04:00

I'm still tom on what to do. I can give him a chance to come clean and explain himself. But I feel like most likely, it's not going to happen. He's already made do much effort to cover it up. Even though he knows he did something wrong, he may just continue to cover it up.

I feel like the only way to do it is to catch him in the act. But who knows if any of the scenarios I plan in my head will really turn out. L doesn't think I should mess too much with things that were not originally planned. But if I wait 'til the wedding to call him out, it may not be any different from if I did it now. Plus, I still wouldn't be able to show any concrete proof.

I have the money to go. Timing is critical though, and work is in the way a bit. And even if I do catch him, then what? He's going to resent me forever. I really don't want that. Honestly, it's stupid. I hate to admit it, but I feel like he could care less if I fell off the face of the earth. So why does it matter if he gets mad at me. He's the one who started this to begin with. And I'm the only one agonizing over it. It's not fair. I have to keep it all inside when it's his fault.

I hate that I'm so vindictive. I just want him to feel all the pain and heartache I feel. I just don't understand how someone who has been cheated on could do the same thing on someone else. I sometimes wonder if maybe he didn't tell the truth about his ex. But then again, he did cry to J. I dunno. I just don't get it. All I want is to understand his whole way of thinking. Did he just not want to hurt me? Did he not think I'd ever find out? Does he think I'm stupid or naive? Is this just a fling for him? I dunno what to think anymore...

Some People Want It All

2010-07-13T22:41:00.002-04:00

But I don't want nothing at all
If it ain't you...

I Don't Know What to Think Anymore

2010-07-11T02:17:00.003-04:00

I thought it wasn't an issue anymore.

I thought you might be turning around.

I thought maybe I can do this.

But now it's back and you're trying to hide it again.

What am I supposed to think?

I'm still torn...

I would do just about anything for you. But like R said, "Do not make someone a priority, when to them you are only an option." Is that all I am? An option? Maybe one of the better ones, but not enough to be a priority...

Missing You

2010-07-07T09:25:00.004-04:00

I took that shirt that you thought had sleeves that were too short. I kept it as a way to remind me of you. I slept with it the past two nights, pretending you were next to me...

I talked to C last night. The night you left, I was in the car with W and L and we were stuck in traffic. And I was thinking about how you would probably get us out faster. I miss having you drive. I always feel safe when you're driving. C asked me if I had ever told you that. I said in a way, but probably not in the nicest way.

I keep thinking about everything, and what I'm willing to give up for you. And I'm starting to think that I truly do love you. But I can't bring myself to say it to you...

You're Gone

2010-07-05T12:10:00.003-04:00

You're gone now. It still hasn't quite hit me.

I dreamt about you last night. Nothing that I can remember specifically, but it was just normal, you being with me.

I feel like I'm missing something now. I know I am fine, but at the same time, I think about how you always drive us around. I feel lonely when I see other couples. Everything reminds me of you. It could be something small, like being stuck in traffic, thinking how you'd maneuver us out faster. Stupid things. I hope you're thinking of me too. I don't want us to end. Everything you say makes me still have hope. But I dunno if I'm just setting myself up.

I want to go visit you. I want you to want me to come. I want you to call and tell me about how your apt search is going. I want you to miss me and turn around and say you made a mistake. But I dunno. I trust that you still have feelings for me.

I miss you, even though it's only been a day. It could very well just be a regular weekday when I don't see you...

So what now?

2010-06-29T23:53:00.002-04:00

What do you do if someone is lying to you?

You know they're lying but maybe there is a reason for it. They may be trying to protect you. But at the same time, it seems that they are just being selfish or cowardly and not owning up to their actions.

I thought you were better than that.

They say actions speak louder than words. So many of your actions should make me stop. But I can't. I'm in too deep.

I'm not saying I'm perfect either, but you did wrong first.

I'm Not Stupid

2010-06-29T16:15:00.000-04:00

Oh, this is stupid, I'm not stupid
Don't talk to me like I'm stupid
I still love you but I just can't do this
I may be dumb but I'm not stupid

It's For Real

2010-05-31T23:20:00.004-04:00

I thought it wasn't going to happen. I thought he was going to stay. I guess it was really just more of a hope. I thought things had been going well. I dunno anymore. Is it really time to give up? I don't want to. I don't know why he has to have the final say.

My head is starting to throb. I think I've been crying for the last four hours. Sigh...

I'm 32. WTF...

I'm sad, upset, mad, tired.

I dunno if I'm just feeling sorry for myself. I know he's not in an easy situation, but I feel like I'm not getting any kind of consideration. I really want to just go and bang my head on the wall. I'm tired. I want to just sleep so I don't have to think about it anymore. I'm probably not thinking straight anyway. I wish I could just sleep, and when I wake up, it would all go away.

I can't believe I was all worried that I wouldn't be able to do anything for his birthday 'cuz I have to pick up my mom from the airport. Well guess what? He's not even gonna be here. I'm putting him first, but he's putting me second. But what should I have expected? I wish he'd at least want me to go with him to give it a try.

No, this is not my stupid fantasy world. This is real life.

F

2008-09-23T14:19:00.002-04:00

U
C
K
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Good Luck

2008-09-22T10:54:00.001-04:00

Hope everything goes well...

Disappointment

2008-09-21T17:38:00.002-04:00

Dear Legend,

I yearn for each day that I can see you. But this week I've been denied. TWICE. You had me on high hopes since last Sunday. And even telling L that you would try and come out last night. I know you're busy, and I may just be more sensitive when it comes to issues that involve you. I just want to see your face.

I still worry that I am just setting myself up for an eventual heartbreak if you leave next year. I feel like everyone is watching me, hoping I won't fall any more than I already have. Still, I can't help what I feel.

Every year, I wish for the same thing, and I can't say that I don't get it. I just wish I could get it 100%. But that's probably asking too much. I don't deserve it. L says if she were in my shoes, she'd be so happy, yet I still crave more.

I'm just disappointed. With Tuesday. With today. With myself.

What Do You Want?

2008-08-27T21:08:00.016-04:00

Last week I got a fortune cookie that says "God will give you everything that you want." Does that mean that I have to believe in God? Or does it mean that if I don't that I won't get what I want?

I'm not even sure what I want. I know my first thought, but I wonder if I truly want that. I mean, I question whether I will still be wanting this 5 years later. But I truly believe that in the long run, I just want to be happy, which is why I hope my other fortune cookie fortune is true:

J The current year will bring you much happiness.J

Finality

2008-08-18T08:43:00.003-04:00

"Alright, I'm gonna tell you guys something. About two weeks ago, I decided that I'm going to go back. My uncle offered me a position at his company. It's like the Microsoft of Taiwan."

"What?! You're leaving???" my best friend L asked him.

"Yeah."

My eyes welled up with tears. It wasn't like I didn't know already. I had heard the same story two weeks ago, but from C. She had told me that Legend had spoken to her the day before and that he had decided to take the job opportunity, provided it's still available after he finishes grad school next year. But it still stunned me, hearing him say it, with his own voice and words. I didn't say a word, as he continued to explain everything to L. Thankfully, they dimmed the lights of the restaurant as a tear silently rolled down my cheek. I sat there, not knowing how to respond. I was too afraid to look at him and let him see my disappointment. I saw L glance at me, checking to see how I was taking the news, but I quickly looked away, fearing that he might notice my tears. I wanted to excuse myself to the restroom, but at the same time, I couldn't bring myself to get up, half afraid that I wouldn't be able to make it there on my own and half afraid that I might miss something that he would say. So I just continued to sit and keep quiet. I felt as though I was going to choke so as they talked, I just drank my water, until nothing was left, and I was just desperately swallowing air. I turned away from Legend, looking for the waiter who was explaining dinner to the next table. By then, I couldn't stop the tears. Luckily, the waiter didn't take long to fill my glass. But I could only try and erase the tears that rolled to my chin as I pretended to wipe my mouth with my napkin. Soon after, dessert arrived, and even though all three of us shared everything, I kept my eyes averted, trying to calm down.

Two nights ago, the only one who seemed to notice my state was a man at the next table, but he wasn't about to say anything...